Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Turns Out, Condoms Taste Gross

Recently my post hired a new nurse to work in our medical unit.  Her first task was to conduct a thorough inventory and in the course of this inventory she discovered two huge boxes full of condoms.  The medical unit decided to make the condoms available to all and put out a jar in their waiting room that they may or may not have been replenishing on a daily basis (allegedly).

I had heard third hand about the massive condom discovery of 2012, but today a friend and I wandered into the med unit for the first time in a long time and got to see the jar first hand.

Purple condoms.  I turned to my friend.

"Dude, are those flavored condoms?  OMG, PURPLE PROBABLY MEANS GRAPE FLAVOR!" I exclaimed a little too loudly, as I reached into the jar.  Purple Kool-Aid was always my favorite.  It's part of my inner fat kid psyche.  My friend rolled her eyes.  I sniffed the packet but couldn't really smell anything due to slight cold, so I stuck it under my friend's nose.  "Eww!  I don't want to sniff your condom!" she shouted, disgusted.  She's kind of unhelpful and selfish like that.

It dawned on me quickly that there was only one way to settle this.  I opened the condom packet.

No grape smell.  

I was disappointed.  Not only was the condom not grape flavored, I had now wasted a perfectly good (though not delicious it turns out) condom and was wracked with guilt.  OK, OK, I'm Italian, so guilt to me is like oxygen to normal people, but I still felt a little bad about the wasted condom.  I decided I could redeem myself by single-handedly sparing my colleagues and friends from the disappointment of the non-delicious purple condoms.

First I blew up the condom into a gigantic balloon (Note:  I've never done this before, I swear, even when I taught sex-ed to college freshmen and advocated condom use during oral sex.  Turns out, condoms taste really gross.  My lips were numb for three hours.  I understand now why they looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested it.  It was either that or the banana. End Note.).  Then I drew a smiley face on him and wrote "Why YES!  I AM happy to see you (even though I'm not delicious)!" on his back because he totally did look happy, despite his shortcomings.  I left him on the doctor's chair.

And then so that others wouldn't have to suffer like I did, I put a note on the jar.

You're welcome, Embassy.


  1. Way to go the extra mile when your conscience is on the line.

  2. Outstanding! Way to take one for the team!

  3. i got to you a while back from cyberbones and i must say - you crack me up. outstanding post. i snorted. and thanks for the purple condom flavor tip.

  4. Thanks for the laugh with my morning coffee :)

  5. Sweet save! Glad to know you are there looking out for everyone's best interests and keeping it real.

  6. of course they do
    that's why there are flavored condoms :)

  7. I love you and want to serve with you everywhere in the future. Can you adopt me? (I'm a good cook!)

  8. I have been following your blog for awhile now (as an aspiring FSO) and this hands down is my favorite post!

    My mom was an FSN-hire nurse at a US Embassy in Africa...and this reminded me of the many pranks me and my high school friends had at the Health Unit with the strategically placed condom jar. Ahh, the memories.

  9. Thank you. This was phenomenally amusing and informative. The photos made it even better :-).

  10. Thanks for the laugh! I needed it!